


I Won't Kill Myself When I Have Drugs

by ScarlettOutlaw



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Depression, Do Not Read If You Are Feeling Suicidal, Don't Like Don't Read, Drugs, M/M, Porn With Plot, Suicidal Thoughts, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 11:18:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettOutlaw/pseuds/ScarlettOutlaw
Summary: Gerard is a 23 years old boy who tried to kill himself but got saved by his friend, or, was he saved? Who is going to truly save him? Is it the new psychiatrist's son Frank Iero who's going to stay with him for one month and monitor his behaviour? Or is he going to save himself by killing himself. Let's find out.Characters are based on My Chemical Romance, I do not want to refer to them as to the real people, but to the characters based on them. I do not recomend reading for those who do not approve of male/male sex, who suffer from depressions and suicidal thoughts. this story is here to show you that you can ALWAYS get rid of your depressions and suicidal thoughts because life is fucking worth it! Listen to them, MCR, they are fucking telling you in every song they wrote!Read on your responsibility.P.S.: I am not a native speaker, this is also my first story I thought of when I felt depressed. I needed to put it on the paper.





	1. Who the hell am I, the mighty Gerard Way

I was listening to the song when the drug finally kicked in. What a sweet feeling, when you stop thinking about the pain that endures for days, for months, for years. The drugs are the only thing that keep me from killing myself. They help not to feel the stuff that kills you slowly. They postpone the feeling and help you to recover for a couple of days. I was always looking for something that could help me to just not think. As always, I drank, every day. Sometimes bought the drugs. Nowadays, it's more like the drugs and less the alcohol. Which is worse, my brother would say, but I don't give a single shit. Together with antidepresants? It's awesome. It's like the best rollercoaster you can go onto. You enjoy every second of it and that's when i became happy. Happy again. At least I thought.

***1 year before***

“Hey Pete, you got it for me?” I ask my old friend who we all known for being a trouble maker at the primary school. Our ways separated at high school, when Pete just disappeared and did who knows what. It was last year when I met Pete again. on the verge of a suicide in a bar where I wanted to drunk myself to death. I had spent about 500 dollars there for all the alcohol I drank before the barman tried to force me out of the bar for being too drunk that I passed twice on the bar stool.

“I'll call the police young man if you do not leave” he told me. I just laughed him off.

“Fuck you and give me another shot, please. I got the money, what's your problem then” I threw the shot glass at him. He immediatelly picked up the phone but then Pete appeared.

“Hey hey, what's going on. I know this guy, I'll take him out, he will not cause any more troubles, I promise” Pete said and caught my arm to drag me away from the bar. I was so pissed off at the moment that I punched him several times. Well punched is a strong word, I was so wasted I didn't know shit so it probably looked like I was a puppet punching air.

“You fucking idiot who do you think you are. Fuck you. If you want to rape me do it now. Get your fucking hands of me you piece of shit.” and then I puked on him. That's like all I remember from the night because then I passed out and woke up the next day somewhere where I have never been before. “Shit my head hurts” I said before I passed out again. When I regain my consciousness, I saw Pete sitting near the bed I was lying in.

“Morning Gerard.” he simply said smiling. I know this face. I am sure of it. It took me about 30 seconds when it clicked.

“What the hell are you doing in Jersey, Pete, I thought you were fucking gone forever.” I laughed a little putting my palm immediatelly on my forehead because fuck that hurt so much.

“I came back for the business. And I met you in the bar. Man, you seemed pretty wasted. What's going on, tell me. We were friends and I can see you are not doing well. Lucky you threw up otherwise I would have to take you to the hospital to let them pump your stomach up so you didn't die.” I tried to sit up, vision getting better and I smiled softly.

“Nothing is going on I just wanted to get wasted. Could you give me my cigarettes please? I don't know where my jacket is.” I said smiling, trying to look like an angel so he didn't ask me anymore. That's the last thing I needed, to get saved by my heroic old friend. Pete got up after a few second with a concern on his face but handed me my cigarettes anyway.

“Thanks.” I smiled and lit the cigarette with a light he handed me afterwards. I took a drag and suddenly relaxed. “Oh god this is the best feeling.” I sit more properly and smiled.

“I don't eat that bullshit Gerard. What's going on. I am the troublemaker if you do not remember, I lied so many times that it became my life. So skip that shit and tell me. Maybe I can help” Pete offers and I sits in silence for a couple of while I finish my cigarette. I have never talked about my problems and since Mikey moved out of the city to study at that university for nerds (mathematics), as I call it, I didn't have anyone to talk to anyway.

“Well. Since I am still drunk a bi,t I guess I can tell you. But please just don't say anything back.” I take another cigarette and lit it again. Pete just nods to let me know he understands and won't ask any questions or say anything. “It's been seven years since my depressions got worse and worse. I have a shitty job, I cannot do what I like, either singing or drawing, I have literally noone since Mikey left. My boyfriend kicked me out because he found someone else who is obviously better at who knows what than me, my mom died last year, dad left us because he couldn't stand her dying and moved to Europe, everything is just fucking idiotic that I kinda wanted drown myself in alcohol so I had enough strength to kill myself and end this fucking life of mine that just makes me so miserabe. I sound so pathetic. But it's just….it's just so fucking hard that I do not want to do it anymore anyway. And even if you wanted to help me it's not going to happen because I fucking give up. I just give up. I will do this again anyway and I will kill myself finally.So please do not try to help me, because I don't want it, ok?” I only stop when the cigarette falls on my lap and I try to shake it away so I do not burn myself. Pete just watches me with eyes full of concern. We do not talk for 20 minutes at least and just drag our eyes across the room.

“You know Gerard. I said I will not say anything, however. I have something that could help you maybe a little bit” He says and I smile at him.

“Nothing is gonna help me.” I say but he gets up and disappears for a couple of minutes. When he came back, he had something in his hands and also a mirror.

“Are you seriously taking drugs Pete?” I asked

“Yes. But this is not for me, Gerard.” I watched him confused. He put the mirror in front of me and handed me a straw. “Do it” he said. I was glued to the bed at instant, staring. “Just fucking do it” he repeated after a while when I just looked at him confused.

“Why should I take this, I am full of drugs, the are called antidepressants you idiot.” But i didn't threw the straw away, i fidgeted my fingers on the straw. This was too tempting. Maybe this could help me with killing myself more than alcohol.

“Do it, moron. I know what I'm doing. So take the fucking straw and sniff.” he nudges me with his fingers. So I do it. I simply did what he wanted. And it was the best thing I ever felt in my entire fucking life. I was feeling so good, I didn't care. I was just smiling, laughing even, everything seemed so great, so unrealistic. Like in a comic book. If you say bang, I will feel the bang. I will fucking feel shattered and enjoy it. If I say WHOOSH , I'll see an imaginary bullet drifting through the air, I will feel my hair swiftly flying in the air when the bullet flies past it.

When the drug wears of and I see Pete asleep on the couch, I simply don't feel any need to kill myself. Because what I felt gave me happiness, It made me happy. So much that I couldn't wait long before I wanted to try it again, to feel the happiness I haven't felt for years.

 

*Present*

And that's where I met Pete after 7 years again. I am 23, my name is Gerard Way. I am a drug addict, alcoholic, pothead on antidepressants which I overdose myself on when I have enough of them. I am a 23 year old boy whose brother doesn't know anything about his addictions and who spends the money his mother left him on drugs and shit. I am pleased to meet you as well. When the drug wears off I kiss Pete fiercely on his lips.

“Thank you sweetie” I smile and he smiles back and kisses my forehead.

“No worries Gee, just come when you need more” He pats my head and with that I leave, putting the zip bag he gave me in my pocket and leave his place. Mikey is supposed to come home today for the weekend. I need to cook shit for him, so he feels welcome and of course, because I love this jackass. So I head to the store and buy everything I need for spaghetti. It takes me just about 20 minutes and I leave the store heading home.

When I enter my flat, I just take a really small line, like really small, like a microdosage of the drug Pete gave me. It helps me to stay awake and not getting into depressions again now that I wasted all my antidepressants because I didn't have the coke. And sleeping is off the list as well because I have to go to work and do stuff, like drugging myself up. However, I start cooking the dinner for Mikey because he's to arrive in 3 hours or so. I quite enjoy my life now because it's awesome to not care about anything but drugs. It gives me purpose. I have to have the drugs and everything is fine. I put Misfits on and start cooking. Which is fun I can say, everything goes well and the meal tastes delicious. When I turn the stove off and drain the spaghetti, the doorbell rangs.

“MIKEYYYYYY!!!!” I start screaming and I run towards the door. When I open it I am greeted with a body on my body which together forms a big ball of two clumsy people falling on the ground. “GERAAAAAARD!!!!” he shouts in my ear and doesn't let go.

“Get off me you bastard! I cannot breathe!” Mikey laughs and lets go off me.

“Fuck that smells delicious” he sniffs the air and his tummy automatically grumbles. I am so happy to see this bastard again.

“Yeah, it does. But you get nothing Mikey, just for me” I say with my face serious as fuck. The look in his eyes is brilliant. He looks so sad now “Just kidding” I laugh “of course I did everything just because of you you idiot. I do not eat, I drink blood, remember? Vampire. Come let's eat” I laugh and lead him to the kitchen where I grab two plates and put the portions on it. When we sit at the table and eat we just talk about what his school is like, about this new guy he met and as it turns out sleeps with like every fucking day and has a huge cock which is maybe too much for me because I blush instantly. Which I get teased about afterwards. Mikey leaves me for the toilet then and I just scroll through the feed on my phone when I hear footsteps coming back from the toilet.

When Mikey sits at the table again he frowns at me. I am a bit confused at what's going on. This is not the usual Mikey.

“What is it honey bunny?” I ask him smiling. However the smile fades quickly as he shows me the mirror I am using for the lines.

“Why is it all dusted in a white powder that looks so much like the powder in this zip bag?” he raises his second hand revealing the zip bag with drugs. I could swear my heart stopped at the moment and the colour in my face faded.

“Well, it's just a stunt we did with my friend for some Halloween photos” I say and wave the hand like nothing is going on and everything is fine.

“Yeah, bullshit, Halloween was 10 months ago. Tell me the truth Gerard, why do you have fucking drugs in your bathroom weirdly hidden under your sink where you thought noone would see it. If it's just a stunt why did you hide it? Hmm?!” He starts shouting at me.

“Geeeeezzzzzz, calm down little one. As I said it's a stunt” I keep my mask on but Mikey is not to be fooled. He is my brother in the end and he knows when I am lying to him.

“Okay then,” he says and opens the zipbag, stands up and walks towards the sink. “if it's just a stunt then I am sure you wouldn't mind me throwing this away, would you” he says. You can see a clear expression of shock on my face.

“N-n-no, of course not, just throw it away” I say and wave my hand as he tilts his hand slowly. Like he's really going to do it, I thought he will just believe me and close the zipbag again but some of it starts to rain from the zipbag. It's a millisecond that it takes me to jump up and rip it from his hand. Which turned out bad because I ripped it completely and everything just fell on the ground like it was a dust.

“SHIT!” a drop on my knees and start to sweep the drug with my hands into a pile when Mikey drags me up and slaps my face so hard I fall back on the ground.

“What the fuck, Gerard!” He screams at me and drags me up again. “What the fuck are you doing with yourself!” tears in his eyes. I have never seen him in this state, only when our mom died. I can only cry myself but just because of the loss. The drug I should have had for a whole week is gone now, so are my antidepressants. I didn't answer to him. I kept staring at the ground where Mikey pour water on the ground just to mess the drug up. I kept crying and crying. Because the assurance I had in the small zip bag was gone. Mikey was screaming something, but I didn't listen to him at all.

“DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING?” he hits me again. I look at him confused.

“Mikey please don't shout at me” I say crying. He immediatelly drops on his knees and hugs me.

“Gerard tell me what's wrong, tell me what's going on. I can help you. Please tell me, I can help.” He keeps crying on my shoulder. I hug him back. We are in this position for a couple of minutes, me crying because of the drug, Mikey crying because of me. When the situation calmes a bit, we look in each others eyes.

“Mikey what have you done to me” I say in a whisper. He looks confused.

“I am trying to help you idiot, you are killing yourself Gerard.” he says surprised. I notice my sleeve is up and the scars on my wrists are visible now. Mikey immediatelly follows my gaze and before I can manage to cover my wrists up, he cries again. I get up and leave the apartment before Mikey manages to get up. He follows me running, but I am faster. I run to meet Pete again. I need a line right now otherwise I will just jump off off the bridge.

 

*Mikey's POW*

I cannot find him anywhere. I kept searching for him for 5 hours, I kept calling him but the only thing that I can do right now is just going back and wait for him to come back home. I go back to the apartment, luckily enough I was clever to pick the keys up before running after him so I can enter the apartment again. I feel so wounded. What is going on. I knew the situation with Gerard after mom's death wasn't good. but I didn't know it was that bad. If only I'd known he have had tried to kill himself before. I could've helped him. I am sure. Is it my mistake? Should I stay, not coming back to the school? Should I just keep looking after Gerard, what should I do. What the hell, what the fuck. I don't give a shit anymore about the school. I am staying, why am I even thinking about going back to the school when my brother needs me.

I immediatelly pick up his laptop. “Fucking shit has a password” I mumble and try to put some passwords in it. It doesn't work. The fifth try I manage to enter his account, how sweet, his password is MikeyWay. I smile for a second before a go on the internet and search for psychiatrist. Obviously his last one isn't that great when he let him do the drugs. It's some oldfashioned 60 years old man who knows shit about the problems of young people nowadays. I keep searching for three hours when I find someone called Doctor Frank Iero Senior. “Excelent rating” I smile and call him. I set up the meeting for tomorrow, when I tell him it's serious with my brother he choses to set an earlier appointment for us. Then I close the laptop and just wait for Gerard. It's three AM when he comes home. Obviously did take some drugs, but looks ok now, just tired and drunk.

“Hey Gerard” I say, a dead stare in my eyes. He just disappears into his room. So I leave him be and lock the front door if he had an idea of disappearing into the night and go to sleep in my room. When I wake up it's 7 AM, I go to Gerards room and wake him up. As soon as his eyes open, he has a very guilty look on his face. “Are you angry with me Mikey” he asks and starts shaking, tears in his eyes. “Of course I am not” I say and smile “Come with me, I found you someone. Please just come with me one time. If it doesn't work I will leave you be and let you do the drugs.” I smile asuringly and he seems to think about it for a second. Then he nods. He obviously does this because he thinks this will not work and he will get back to doing drugs. So I manage to help him get dressed since he obviously is still a bit drunk. When we leave the apartment I drive us to the address I remembered from the website of Dr Iero Senior. We are there on time but Gerard doesn't talk the whole way. I don't know what's going on in his head, but I have never seen him in this state. Like he doesn't care and doesn't even think. It's like a state of a conscious hibernation I see in him.

He notices he's somewhere else only when we sit in an office of Dr iero Senior and he tries to get Gerards attention.

“Oh hey” Gerard says. I leave the office to wait for them to finish. After a couple of minutes, maybe half an hour, I see someone who looks oddly like Iero Senior but a young version of him waving a tattooed hand at me smiling and knocking on the door. “Enter!” I hear and the young men enters the room.

 

*Gerard's POW*

He talks to me, I answer sometimes, but just choose to ignore him overall. Noone can help me now, I take the drugs to help myself. I can save myself, noone else and nothing else can.

“So Gerard, why is it you chose to enhance the antidepressants with drugs, alcohol and weed?” he asks me and I just laugh right in his face.

“I didn't ask to be here, neither I want to be here so just skip this part, you save your time, get your money and I can leave and have my own satisfaction” I smile at him. It's however of no use.

“It's not that easy Gerard” he says “If you do this, your brother will suffer maybe the same as you do. With your choice you not only hurt yourself but also hurt your brother. And I am sure you do not want this. But since we are here, and your brother especially, is here because of you, we should talk about your problems and try to sort them out with some medication, that will give you the same effect as the drugs you are taking, that means that you will enjoy life. So, what I am proposing is that I will give you a personal assistant, who will follow you everywhere you go. He will be your consciousness, he will guide you. He will sleep in the same room, go into the same clubs, libraries, coffee shops, everywhere. He will let you do drugs, if you want them, but always be there to help you whenever you feel like not doing them or whenever you feel that bad that you think of a suicide. If you manage to be with this guy for one month and nothing changes and you still want to do drugs, drink alcohol and stuff, we will leave you alone because we will obviously not understand what you are going through and therefore will not be able to help you properly and I will accept my defeat, you will win, go back to drugs and alcohol full time, independence full time.” the doctor says. I keep processing what he said. I now Mikey said something about when I do not accept the doctors help, whatever he has there for me, he will drop out of school and stay with me and help me. And I don't want that. He kept preparing for the entrance exams for ages, he stressed so much about it and I will not take that away from him. I also know that he will stay if there is noone to keep an eye on me. And that's probably what the doctor knows since he spent half an hour before he invited me into his office with my brother.

“You have to decide now, Gerard. One month and you are free. What do you think” Dr Iero says smiling. “I will count on 3….2….” “Ok I TAKE IT!” I scream back and he smiles. This is bullshit. Who is it. This is not a psychiatrist is it. But who am I to judge. Someone knocks on the door when Dr Iero tries to explain me what it will be like to live with someone else who will go everywhere you go.

“ENTER!” he calls out to the person. I don't care and just watch my chipped nail.

“Hello Frank, sit down here” The man sits down on the sofa next to me and I can clearly see a hand infront of me. I see a lot of tattoos, so I look at the person, in his face and my mouth falls. “Hi, I am Frank Iero Junior” he says and smiles. I keep staring at him. Who the hell is it, he looks like the man, Iero Senior, sitting behind his desk.

“Don't worry I won't bite you.” he keeps smiling so I take his hand and simply say “Hi.” How original, Gerard .

“What is he doing here?” I ask the psychiatrist and raise my eyebrow questioningly. “This is my son, Frank Iero Junior. He will keep you a company for the whole month. He's currently studying psychology, he's in his final year and he helps me with my patients. Right now it's you, Gerard. SO Frank. This is Gerard. You will spend a month with him helping him with his struggles. Gerard, Frank will also send me reports on your well being so I can get a better picture on what's going on in your life so I can better understand your problems and I can help you better with them. One hour a week is not enough usually, this way I will have a complete analysis of what's going on in the head of yours and we will possibly be able to help you.” He says.

“I do not need you anyway, but I am doing this just because of Mikey anyway. So this puppet can stay with me until Mikey leaves, than he can leave as well and we all will be happy.” I say annoyed, the guy, Frank Junior, looks a bit hurt but smiles reasuringly.

“Woah woah, why so harsh. I see you like Misfits” he says before his father can say anything. “I love them. Also play a guitar, can play many of their songs. If you want, I can take you to the band practice I have every Monday and Friday” he smiles talking totally off the topic. Like I didn't just try to ditch his help. And also, what the hell. He likes Misfits? I focuse on his face and see holes, obviously where piercings belong.

“You like misfits?” I ask him and smile, he doesn't seem like a jerk, he seems like the person who listens to the same stuff as I do and obviously he has some tattoos, I can see a scorpion on his neck and I saw those tattoes on his hands. But I cannot see much, he has this weird formal shirt on him, buttoned up so much that he could hide almost his entire neck, but I can still recognise the scorpion. He smiles back and nods.

And he has a band, what the hell “You play drums?” I ask and do not notice a smile on his father's face. Frank gets up and gestures for me to get up as well. In the meantime he shooks his head

“No, I am a guitarist” and with that we leave the office where Mikey waits. A clear expression of shock on his face when I smile and talk to Frank junior.


	2. The Devil Cannot Resist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, as I realised, I am really awkward at writing stories and stuff, however everyone has to start somewhere so here I go. Maybe some of us are that pathetic because there are no fanfictions left that we start writing our own. If you are one of those people, you are welcome.
> 
> Disclaimer: Do not read if you have suicidal thoughts, depressions, don't like M/M sex stuff. People in the story are not real, however are based on the real people. Thanks!

“Hey, I am Mikey, who is this guy?” He asks suspiciously so we stop and stare at each other for a while.

“Hi, my name is Frank, I am the guy who will be with your brother for one month and monitor his behaviour.” Frank smiles at Mikey, but Mikey doesn't seem to be satisfied with this person staying with me. He's always sceptical.

“Well, could we go for a lunch so I can get to know you a bit because I am letting you stay with my brother while I am away for another three months? Would be nice to get to know you a bit.” Mikey asks with a more friendly face than before. “Yeah sure, my pleasure.” Frank smiles back and I nod as well. I want to know the person more as well because this is the guy who is gonna be with me 24/7 and I want to survive this eventhough I'll be the one who can do anything and he will just have to follow me everywhere and watch.    
“Okay then, let's go.” Mikey gestures towards his car and drives us to the nearby italian restaurant. When we enter the place, I start craving a cigarette. And also drugs since the depression starts to kick in. “Hey Mikey I'll just have a cigarette, you two can go inside” I say smiling, Mikey nods and leaves, but Frank just stays. 

“What?” I ask him wondering why he keeps staring at me. 

“Well as I said, I will be with you 24/7” he smiles and lights up the cigarette he has taken out of the box. So I do the same with mine. 

“You know I need something right now to help me with the depression that's coming right now. So just leave me alone for maybe 20 minutes, my friend is close to this place so I will just have a bit and come back ok?” I say and pull on the sweetest smile at him while blowing the smoke out of my nostrils. “Nope” he says still watching me.   
What the hell. It's my life, isn't it. “fuck you I am going” I say but he grabs my arm. “Wait, here, take this” he says and gives me a pill. I take it after a while and swallow it without any problems. I know this, it's xanax. 

“We can go to meet your friend afterwards, but what I understoond from your situation is that we want your brother to be calm while studying at a university, so we go inside and have a lunch so he trusts me. Is it ok with you, Gerard?” Frank asks me and winks at me and I blush in return. “Ok then.”   
When we finish our smoke we go inside the restaurant where Mikey waits for us at the table. I sit next to my brother and Frank sits at the opposite site. The waitress comes to take our order, so we just choose something from the menu, I chose lasagna with tomato soup and tiramisu, which I honestly love so fricking much. When the food is on our table we start the conversation Mikey craves so much. 

“So Frank. I see you are quite young, how old are you precisely?” Mikey asks and I just sip on my milkshake. “22” Frank says and licks the fork in his hand. ”I am in my final year of psychology so this is basically something I am dealing with every day, even in practice thanks to my father as you had the pleasure to meet him today. I specialise on drug overuse and suicide.” he says and I start to feel better and better since the antidepressant kicks in slowly. So I smile. Mikey sees that I am happy right now so he kinda calms himself down after so many hours of stress and hugs me so I snuggle my face in the crook of his neck. I feel really happy right now and sitting next to my brother makes it even better. “Well, that sounds nice but. Do you really have enough practical knowledge to take care of the problem my brother has?” Mikey asks with concern in his voice. Frank nods immediatelly. “I was working with my father on his many cases since I was little. Like I wasn't working on his cases directly, I just listened to him and he talked about it with me and tried to ask me questions on how I would solve this and that and what I think is with this person and stuff, so I think it's ok to say that I have a lot of experience.” He smiles again. 

“Ok, that makes me calmer I admit” Mikey smiles. After that we just talk about us, about our relationship, our mom and dad, school and so on. The food is amazing as well and I feel stuffed. 

“So what do you think, Gerard. Do you think you will both manage to make you feel better?” Mikey asks me and kisses my forehead. 

“Yeah sure, i am sure” I say with my lips slightly curving up. Mikey looks so happy that I feel confident he will leave to his university again and study. Frank however, just eyes me with disbelief. I look into his eyes just to “tell” him that he knows as much as I do that I will just try to ditch him as soon as possible.    
Mikey drives us home afterwards and we go to sleep. However, when I wanna take a shower, the guy, Frank, just follows me. 

“What, can't I shower without you being on my back all the time?” he looks amused. 

“No, not really, Gerard. What if you took something and I didn't know about it, I couldn't report it to my father and we couldn't help you properly.” He says. I just let an annoyed hum escape my lips when he laughs. “Don't worry, I won't look at you showering.” he says and turns around. So I take my clothes off and take a shower. I am angry at this point I can say. It seems like he will even be on the toilet with me. But I hope not. I get dressed again and he turns around. “Wait here please, I will quickly take a shower myself” He says and with this he strips and I just wait turned back to him annoyed maybe even more, biting my nails. I need him to fall asleep soon so I can go to Pete without him. When he's finnished and we enter my bedroom and he lies on the matrace on the floor, I lie in my bed not saying anything hoping he will just sleep soon.   
  
It takes 20 minutes for him to fall asleep. He snores so fucking much it's annoying. So I get up, take my clothes and walk over him to exit my bedroom when he catches my leg. 

“Aaaaaarrrrghhh…..” I roar angrily. “Will you let me go I need to go to see my friend.” I bark at him. 

“Yep, I will just wait for me” he says not even sleepily. The bastard just made it look like he fell asleep. I sigh and get dressed myself. We exit the apartment shortly after and he lits a cigarette, I do the same. On the way to Pete we smoke but don't talk about anything until we reach Pete's place. I knock on the door and he opens. 

“Hey Gee, who's that?” He asks obviously surprised. 

“This, Pete, is some jackass that's supposed to follow me everywhere now because my brother is going nuts when he found out I take drugs and cut myself, which i haven't done thanks to the drugs now for months. So this is a son of a psychiatrist Mikey set an appointment with.” I explain shortly when Frank just waves his hand and smiles not even caring about me calling him jackass. Ok, just. He's kinda sweet I can say. Like Mikey when he was younger. I just shake my head and enter Pete's apartment. 

“Oh okay then. Doesn't make any sense to me, but whatever. You smokin pot?” He asks Frank and he nods so my pupils extend in shock. 

“Oh ok, someone gonna lecture me bout drugs doin some himself” I laugh and sit on a couch. “As usual Pete and the same you gave me yesterday because my fricking brother ruined all of it” I say and Pete comes back after a couple of seconds with a white powder which I arrange into a small line and sniff it. Then the second and the third. 

“Oh god, this is better than orgasm” I say and laugh happily. I don't even pay attention to Frank anymore. Pete gave him some joint he's smoking with him now. 

“Pete, sweetie, you are not gonna have some as well?” I ask hurt a bit. He just shakes his head “Nah, you know I don't do that too much” he says and ruffles my hair so I pout my lips, eyes sad. “And I wanted to suck your dick today. I might just change my mind” I say and Frank starts coughing. Obviously shocked by what I said just now. I roll my eyes “You leave now I have some business to do here” I say to Frank and catch Pete by his shirt. 

“Not a chance.” Frank answers still coughing a bit. 

“I can't even do this in private?!?!?!” I shout at him and he shakes his head again so I throw a pillow at him. He just catches it and Pete laughs because the jerk thinks it's funny. 

“Oh God now I really want to kill myself” I say still high as fuck just pulling Pete towards me and kissing him immediately. He doesn't care it seems so we just kiss infront of someone creepy. I do not have sex with Pete. I just sometimes share kisses and handjobs, sometimes even blowjobs. It's just because of the drugs, they make you feel clingy and wanting. So it's a good way to spend your time when your mind is drugged and when you do not have a boyfriend, because nobody wants to be with a junkie. I open my eyes for a second just to see Frank smoking a cigarette now, his eyes red because of the weed from before, and I start blushing because this is so weird. Is this the normal job for someone like him to watch people in intimate situations? We stop after a while and just take another line. I mean. I am quite fucked up after some time so I just sit on the couch and watch the ceiling. I fall asleep shortly after and wake up only when Frank shakes my shoulder.    
“Hey, Gerard. Wake up. Your brother called.” He says. “Fuck off let me sleep you short brat.” I return with clear annoyance in my voice. When I open my eyes I see a package infront of me so I grab it and put it in my pocket. 

Then I realise what's going on “My brother, ok, let's go” I say and just leave Pete sleeping on the armchair. 

“How do you feel Gerard?” Frank asks me smoking again when we are on the street. Oh god this man probably never stops smoking. “Annoyed, sleepy, depressed, probably just want to sleep and eat.” I finish whispering. He doesn't answer and we just come home where Mikey waits looking afraid. I just hug him. “it's ok, I have Frank with me, remember?” I smile and he smiles back. Then I go to sleep again leaving the two together.    
  
When the weekend is over, I escort my brother to his car and give him the present I made for him which is a picture of us fighting. He once had this picture but lost it somewhere when he was little and cried several months because of it. So I draw it again just to remind him of the good old times. “Thank you Gee. Please take care, Frank and I will help you. Love you.” He hugs me and then leaves. I go back to the apartment when I no longer can see Mikey's car where Frank obviously watched me through the courtains. 

“So Mikey left, you can as well.” I simply say and lock myself quickly in my room where I prepare lines for myself and sniff 3 of them. I enjoy the feeling of utter happiness not caring about anything. I ignore the knocks on the door and just put some loud music on. I don't give a shit, honestly I don't. About anything. About Frank especially. Yes, especially about Frank. He can go suck himself off.    
I sing the whole night to Nirvana and enjoy the drugs and alcohol I have in my room.

 

1 week later:

 

Oh God not again. He did it again. The fucking pierced tattooed bastard.  “I will take whatever I want, where did you hide it you fucking piece of shit. Give me my drugs back! Where is it!” I scream while I am trying to hit Frank. He simply catches my hand and I cannot even move it. Fuck he's so strong even when he's shorter than me. “GIVE ME THE DRUGS FRANK!!!!!” I keep screaming when I feel something jab my neck. 

“Ouch!” I say touching it when I have a bit of blood on my fingers. After that I pass out. 

  
When I open my eyes again, my head is in Frank's lap. “What was that?” I ask whispering. 

“Sedatives” He simply answers watching RuPaul's Drag Race on TV. “Oh….” I still feel a bit nauseated. “Can I have my drugs now?” I ask him and look him in the eyes. He doesn't answer and gives me the pills first. “No, just your regular” he says and I swallow the antidepressants. This became a confinment. This is not what the doctor said. Frank is telling me what I can and cannot do and when I do not manage to lock myself in my room with my drugs, which happens very rarely, he just simply doesn't let me have it. I start being depressed again. Much more than I was when I was taking drugs. Only helps me for a couple of hours when he gives me the antidepressives. All the memories attack me harshly when I do not have them. And I just cry and cry. That's when Frank comes with his pills and I take them like redemption just not to cry and not to kill myself. I am even thinking about cutting myself again. Because the pain is so immense, my insides feel shattered. I have to occupy myself with something and it's really hard to do anything when someone watches you doing everything. Also I wanted to go to change my hair soon because I am really tired of my long brown hair I have right now.    
“Can we go to the mall?” I ask Frank. He raises and eyebrow, he got used to my schedule, which is usually home, working from home, drugs, alcohol. 

“Ok why not” He smiles. He tried to talk to me during the week about the stuff he likes and the stuff I like and I just didn't usually answer so he stopped talking to me and also stopped attending his rehearsals since I didn't want to go there not even once. He brought his guitar to my place so I hear him play sometimes. I get up and get dressed. We then go to the mall where the hairdresser is.    
I sit on the hairdressing chair and tell the hairdresser what I want on my head. That I am tired of the brown long hair and that I want it a bit shorter, like chin length and red. Frank leaves because I do not see him anywhere near. “Finally” I sigh relieved. At least one hour without this weird shadow. I have my eyes closed for the whole time just enjoying the whole procedure. When the hairdresser is finished with her work I look in the mirror at myself feeling very very satisfied. 

That's when I notice Frank is back reading a book he probably bought here. I get up and pay for her work and leave the place. Frank behind me again. We walk in silence everywhere I go, liquor store, tabacco, supermarket. That's when he speaks for the first time in three hours “You look really good in this hair.” he says smiling. My lips wide immediately but I force myself to change the expression to the neutral one again. “Thanks” I simply answer. But the moron noticed me smiling anyway.    
When we come back home I pour myself a glass whiskey, I give one shot to Frank as well but he doesn't drink it. 

“No, thanks. I cannot drink when I am here looking after you” he says. “Whatever, weed obviously doesn't matter.” I say and start drinking watching TV, some horror movie. I get pretty wasted after half an hour because I drink the alcohol just like water. That means I become talkative. That's what I do when I am drunk, I talk too much sometimes. 

“Frankie?” I ask and get up from the armchair staggering around. I successfully find the way to sit on the couch, spilling a bit from the bottle (yes, bottle now, not just the glass) on Frank and laughing. 

“Yes, Gerard?” he smiles, trying to hide a laugh that's about to come out any second. I l am eyeing him with curiosity. I just have to ask. Frank bites on is lip piercing waiting for my question. 

“Frankie are you….well...like. You know. When someone likes sausages too much. I mean. Like boys who like sausages more than buns? When you have a hot dog, you would rather. Eat the sausage than the bun. You know what I mean?” I ask trying to explain what I think. I sip on my whiskey again after that. 

“We are not here because of me Gerard but because of you. If you want to talk about your relationships just start talking about them.” He smiles with support in his voice. I frown a bit. “No fun with you Frankie” I say and watch the TV again. We had a deal that I will have my drugs at least one day a week completely free just for my use and he will not stop me. After a while I get up and take the drugs from the table and prepare a line for myself which I sniff. Frank is writing in his phone again. As I understand he tells everything I do to his dad so he can make notes about me. 

“Oh god Frank, you should try this” I smile, nose white a bit and I fall back on the couch. Pete was supposed to come here. But he couldn't, he had some job emergency. He's some IT sort of a guy so he does this kind of stuff quite often. I peek from behind my hair at Frank and smile. At least I can have fun when I have to live with someone I barely know. I gulp the whiskey that even Frank looks shocked, I put the bottle on the table and start stroking my chest. Still looking at Frank. He however just looks back looking calm. I slowly trail my hand on my chest from nipple to nipple. I shiver from time to time usually when I touch my sensitive spots. I trail my hand lower and lower, pulling my shirt up a bit still not breaking the eye contact. Sometimes my eyelids shut for a millisecond. Shortly after I touch my navel, my hand slips into my pants where I find the hem of my underwear under which my hand goes as well. I feel blood rushing to my distant parts which I touch with the tips of my fingers. The whole area becomes visible when I start touching myself with just the tips of my fingers. 

“Oh Frankie.” I moan quietly grabbing my hard cock into my hand. I start wanking properly now, moaning with my highpitched voice trying to look Frank in his eyes. He just lits a cigarette. Oh god he's probably enjoying this. I can see it in his eyes. So I might put on a show as well. Franks eyes are truly beautiful like this, in a low light covered by the smoke from his cigarette. I moan again when I touch the head of my cock, slowly teasing the sensitive skin covered in precum. My body shivers when I touch the extremely sensitive spots. I move my hand faster now, moaning loud facing Frank when I grab his hair and pull him into a kiss which he doesn't return. “Come on, Frank, kiss me” i moan into his lips, but he doesn't so I let go of him “Go fuck yourself then!” I stop wanking and just leave the room walking to my bedroom. 

“Idiot!” I scream and kick a bottle behind my door which takes down the picture hanging on my wall in return when the glass shatters. I start crying when I hear the footsteps and just lock myself in my room. Frank knocks on the door. 

“Gerard, let me in. Now.” he says, voice firm. 

“Fuck off!” I kick the door and fall on the ground  because I tripped over the clothes. 

“Gerard!!!!!” He screams again knocking on the door now permanently. I see the shining piece of glass on the ground. I take it in my hand and just roll it looking at how beautiful this thing is in the moon light. I ignore the Frank tries in kicking the door and opening it when i take the piece of shattered glass and dragging it across my wrist laughing. It's funny how the blood immediatelly jumps out of the wound, like it didn't even belong in the body, just escaping the prison feeling free. Yes, that's what I need. I need to let my soul escape. Escape this body into somewhere where the pain wouldn't try to break the handcuffs and attack me. I have to confine it again and again using drugs, alcohol, antidepressants. But it doesn't work that well as it used to. I keep cutting small thin lines, just to see the blood running free. I do not cut much, just for the feeling of the pain that takes the real pain away. I close my eyes and slowly fall asleep.   
A horrible sound of a falling person whining in pain wakes me up. “What's happening?!” I scream scared. I see Frank picking himself up from the ground groaning in pain holding his shoulder. “you are such an idiot” he says looking at my wrist. I didn't try to kill myself. No not this time. I just wanted to ease the pain that built inside of me under the utter watch of Frank Iero. He grabs my second hand which is healthy and drags me to the bathroom where he sits me on the chair he brought from my room in his second hand. He starts cleaning my wounds first with water and then with disinfection. 

“Luckily, we don't have to go to the hospital” he says and tapes my hand. We move to the living room. I don't pay too much attention to him. However when he asks me for the twelfth time why I did it, I turn my head and look at him. I put the real issues aside because I want to play with this guy. 

“You didn't kiss me, Iero. I wanted you to fuck my tight ass, I wanted to feel your cock inside. Wouldn't you like to do that to me? I would moan your name, Frank, just yours. My ass would clench around your junk so tight, you would be thinking it might explode. Huh?” I keep moving towards him, slowly, now breathing on his lips. His eyes shut. I got him. Shit he is gay. And he is into me. That will be fun when I am sure I can mess up with him. 

“So tell me now, Iero,” I slowly trail my fingers on his crotch. I can feel his discontinous breath on my lips. 

“What you say I suck you and then you fuck me into the matress so I do not remember my name.” His eyelids close and I kiss him dirty which he returns and grabs my waist. Pulling me on him so I sit on his lap and feel his hard cock on my ass. It doesn't take long for him to stop and shove me off of him. I laugh maniacally. He just stands up and leaves the room, locks himself in the bathroom. 

“I could do that to you sweetheart, but you won't let me suck your cock and let you fuck my throat!” I shout and hear his fist meeting the door. I know he's pathetically getting rid of his hard on because he's to weak. Too fucking weak. Gerard 1, Frank 0. 


End file.
